This is not a new struggle. This is an ongoing journey. I think the emotional overload that I have been dealing with has this idea stuck in my head and I decided blogging about it would be one to way to get it out and to move forward.
There are many different areas in my life that I struggle to balance. I am not naïve in thinking that what I am facing is any different or more important than what each of my family and friends also deal with. And I would be remiss in not taking a moment to thank those family and friends who have held my hand over these past months praying, encouraging, meeting with me and reminding me that we are not alone. I think the easiest way to proceed would be to ‘bullet list’ my balance struggles. (That’s a shout out to my bullet point expert friend, Cristy, over at Mamashus blog. She’s awesome.)
It is hard to balance…
· the need to be in church, the desire to be involved in a church versus going to a mega-church where “nobody knows your name”. (OK, that is more of an indecision issue than a balance issue) Everybody knows by now that I want to go to church in Marble Falls. The sermons are inspiring, thought-provoking and reach my heart. The worship is amazing. You walk in the door and you feel welcome. You feel connected. But it would be a little out of balance for me to drive 3 ½ hours each way to attend church on Sunday.
· keeping my thoughts to myself versus telling people I work with it is really not appropriate to look like you are going to the club after work. You are a professional. Dress like one. And not the kind that stands on dark corners. (maybe I need to find some balance in not judging others, but this drives me batty insane!)
· the idea that my son is not a baby, but a young man. He is 17 years old and I am really struggling with those apron strings. If I think about what I was out doing my junior year in high school, well, that doesn’t help me give him more freedom. I am working on this. I can do this. If this doesn’t kill me, I will be stronger. Repeat daily.
· being a people pleaser and listening to my body tell me to slow down. I have learned to say “no”. A little bit. I really wanted to go watch my BFs daughter play basketball last Friday but when I got home, I knew I wasn’t going back out. I didn’t beat myself up over it. I didn’t force myself to go. I put on my jammies, climbed into my bed and chilled out. It was awesome! I need to make that a habit. (Hubby was VERY proud of me for coming home and taking care of me.)
· wanting to be healthy and those daggum peanut butter m&ms on the counter. I paid good money for those and I am going to enjoy them. Until they are all gone.
· being a good wife and mom by keeping up with the laundry, fixing meals, cleaning instead of just throwing in the towel and letting every man fend for himself. I can’t say it enough how awesome Hubby has been with stepping in. However, he gets a big kick out of “falling out in shock” when he comes home to find that I have done anything of the things listed above. Ha ha. Very funny.
· the very stark realization that I am going to be paying for college for Boy versus my desire for boots. Money has suddenly become very important for me to start saving. I have a terrible case of “I’ll deal with that later” and “later” is right around the corner.
· the desire to be supportive of Pops in his battle, letting him make his own treatment decisions instead of stomping my feet, jumping up and down and demand that he do everything I want. This is a long journey. It is his body but I want him to want to fight and I want him to want to do everything possible to be around for another 5, 10, 15, 20 years.
We are all works in progress. Some of us are further along in our journey to being the best “us” than others. I just hope that when my time on earth is donepeople will look on my life and remember that I did the best I could.
I relate well to your struggles with your dads treatments. My dad finished his radiation treatments this summer and it was very hard for me to hear "I gave the doctors their now it is Gods will." He didn't give up because he is fine now with no signs of cancer he just chose not to seek treatment again if it returns. But you my dear friend, it is a battle for me to respect his decision in regards to this. There is no doubt in where he is going it is just hard for me mot to ne selfish when it comes to the greatest man i know. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe finding balance thing is always changing because life always changes. Just when I feel like I've found it, I fall over. Funny how we've turned into taking care of our parents. I knew it would come, but it seems to have really snuck up on me. I tried to make my mom do what I wanted, too. She stood her ground and, as it turns out, she was right on the big things. Doesn't mean we quit trying, though.
ReplyDeleteMy equilibrium is not what it used to be. Some days I do really well. Some days I wonder why everyone's brains fell out of their heads. And, yeah, that whole parent/child role reversal thing freaks me out. And makes me want to scream. All we can do is keep trying.
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