Somebody needs to turn the dang light at the end of the tunnel to bright so I can get a better glimpse of it. These past few months have been hard. I mean HARD. I have been clawing to my sanity like it was the last pair of boots on earth. I have been advised by well meaning friends that maybe I should check into medication. I am not opposed to it. I have been on it before. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I have had a lot on my plate. Don’t we all? Which is why I quit blogging for a while. I just couldn’t put it all out there. There are times when you do have to take other people’s feelings into consideration. My fears. My disappointments. My struggles with protecting the image of people my child looks up to. These things outweigh the pleasure I might get from sharing the truth.
Dad is down to 6 more radiation treatments. He has been a champion and Mom has been by his side taking care of him every step of the way. He’s sporting a sleek new do (code for he lost his hair) and he perpetually looks like he has been baking in the sun. I am constantly asking if it hurts because it LOOKS like it hurts. He has been given the option to take a break, but he refuses. He wants to keep moving forward and finish up. He sees the light at the end of the tunnel. After radiation we move on to the final phase of treatment, the ommaya reservoir. Chemo directly into the fluid around the brain. Have I told you what a hero my Dad is?
Juju is starting a new phase in her life. First of all, she looks great. She is on a mission and I wish I had her strength and determination to get healthy. She’s also about to be a mom to a graduate. A young adult. A college student. How did my nephew grow up so fast? I love that kid. He is my no-nonsense, black and white, right is right and wrong is wrong, loves history kid. He’s going to be so successful. And he didn’t even flinch when I knocked his bumper off his new car. Material things don’t matter to him. Being a good person does. I am looking forward to the festivities celebrating the end of this journey and the beginning of the next.
Family reunion is coming up. My prayer is that Dad is feeling well enough to go. I made reservations at Mt Nebo for the weekend. While it is not our usual cabin, it is on the mountain and that is what matters. I will be taking mom to a wedding that Saturday night while Juju and the boys hang out with Pops at the cabin. We are each gaining favorite daughter points in different ways. I’m getting a new dress and shoes out of my end of the deal. Score! Now if I could lose the pounds from the last 6 months so I could buy a dress in my old size that would be a real score.
This is my last week of school. That’s a light which is bright and clear. It has been a great year and I will miss my kiddos. But I still need a rest. There is so much more to the school year besides hanging with the kids and bantering history facts. All of that other stuff has worn me out. I need a break.
During that break, I hope to find my way back to happy and back to blogging my witty sarcastic self. I am tired of the dark clouds. I am tired of being angry. Tired of being disappointed. By people that are important to me. Tired of letting others control my feelings. I have a lot of work to do this summer. On me. Now, can you turn up the light, please?
