I apologize...

What a whirlwind these past few days have been.  Two doctors visits in three days.  Four shots. Two oral medications. One gargling concoction. And my throat feels like a knife is slicing through it every time I swallow.  Childbirth was less painful than this.  And for the record, I had a 100% completely natural childbirth, beginning to end.  No drugs, before during or after. And this pain is worse.  I think I kind of deserve it after my rant the other day here on my blog.

Obviously I (our family) have been carrying a pretty heavy weight around our necks since November.  Plenty of ups and downs.  Plenty of prayers, seeking miracles, receiving miracles.  Support from friends and family in a variety of ways.  I am not sure what sent me over the edge the other day, but it happens.  Stuff happens. And I behaved in a way that was less than flattering.  I apologize.

I apologize to those that read my blog expecting to find humor or good news or updates on Pops and found my diatribe instead.

Response to the blog has been varied.  I appreciate, more than I can express, the words of encouragement that came my way.  Those words have lifted me up and kept me putting one foot in front of the other.  I also received some words that were used to make me think about this situation while taking myself out of the equation.  There was a lot of food for thought in those particular responses.  The world is bigger than me.  I am not the only person going through these circumstances.  And I need to come from a place of love. Not a place of trying to control other people’s behavior.  I have taken those words to heart.  I am listening to them.  I am listening to myself. I am listening to God. And hopefully I will find a place in my heart that will allow me to move forward.  Without the anger.  Without the stress.

I apologize to those that felt they saw themselves in my words but were actually not intended to think that for one second. I hope that our conversations since that time have reassured them that they are my angels, far and near, and that I love them dearly.

I apologize to myself for losing control. I apologize to my body for the damage I have wreaked on it by carrying around this stress and anger and not turning it over to the One who longs to carry it for me.  I can only pick up and move forward.

I went back to my Jesus Calling devotional, for which I was a few days behind, and this is what I should have read on Tuesday…

Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary.  Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion.  Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.  Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different.  Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time.  Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.

This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not.  Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of “the world, the flesh, and the devil.” Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against those opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My Presence.

Wow!  I mean WOW!  Certainly a lesson learned.  God had exactly what I needed waiting for me and I failed to open the book and read.  I am glad that we get second chances and I will keep this lesson close to my heart.

Moving forward begins today.  I have gone back and read the passage above several times.  Letting each word sink in to my soul.  I have apologized to my Lord and asked forgiveness.   I pray that it will be given to me by anyone who was hurt or offended by my words. 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for supporting me.  Thank you for your prayers.